Imposter Syndrome

I should be making revisions to my dissertation proposal. Instead, after a several month hiatus and at special request, I have decided to blog again.

The past few months have been completely insane. And one of the most insane parts of it has to do with graduate school. I’m at a point I really never thought I would get to. I am about 99% of the way to being a PhD Candidate, which is actually a really big deal. I’ll get to say I’m ABD (all but dissertation), for the rest of my life (if I don’t end up actually writing a dissertation. Which is highly unlikely because I don’t normally quit things. I do TALK about quitting things a lot, but I don’t actually quit them, unless there is a really good reason. But I digress. Can you digress within parentheses? I don’t know, but I’m doing it).

If you had asked me back when I started this whole doctoral process, in the fall of 2009, if I thought I would get through all the requirements for candidacy, I would have definitely had doubts. It seems really insurmountable when you’re just starting out. But slowly and surely I have made my way to this point. And the thing is, I still feel like a total fraud. Or as one of my committee members called me last week, an “accidental doctoral student” (a moniker which, frankly, I love).

But, luckily, feeling like a fraud is completely normal in this business! There is even a “medical” term for it: Imposter Syndrome. Symptoms of Imposter Syndrome include:

-Attributing success to luck

-Feeling like a fake

-Discounting success

(source: Michigan Student Affairs, retrieved from http://mitalk.umich.edu/article/graduate-students-imposter-syndrome)

I can safely say that, primarily during these latter phases of achieving candidacy (namely the comprehensive exams and dissertation proposal and defense process) I have felt all of these things. Simultaneously. But that’s ok! We all feel that way! I don’t know if there is any good treatment for this syndrome but if there is, I hope it’s covered under ObamaCare.

4 weeks later...

And things are definitely calmer. But what a 4 weeks it has been!

I had a kick-ass goodbye party.
I got all of the stuff moved out of my Austin apartment.
My mom and I successfully made the drive - with cat.
I'm more or less settled - at least until September.
I started an internship that I think will be really interesting and useful - to me, to the non-profit I am working at, potentially to society. Yeah, I went there.

For one month, that's a lot of stuff! And, at the same time, I'm trying to enjoy every minute of living in San Francisco. I'm trying not to think about what happens when the internship ends in August. Because things do have a way of working themselves out.

For the time being I want to work hard during the day; work hard SOME nights (I do have comps to prepare for after all); and play hard during the other times. Well, and sleep hard. I do love to sleep. I want to run more, cook more (I have to find some way to mitigate the fact that merely existing in this city is extremely cost prohibitive), and hike more - who knew that hiking was so awesome? And, if hiking up things, a very good workout (sore gluts, I am looking at you)! This city, and the surrounding areas, have so much to offer in terms of exploration and I don't want to miss out because who knows how long I will be here!

Life is in major flux. Embrace it or freak out. And I'm really tired of freaking out.

When panic sets in

Change is scary. And I have a lot of it right now. Which creates panic within me. Now, I fully understand that worrying and panicking does not help a situation but at the same time, I am really not sure how NOT to panic.

Especially when you aren't in control. I am a planner. I like to know what is going on. I am uncomfortable in situations that I can't fix myself. So that creates MORE panic.

It's not been a fun couple of weeks. This time next week I'll probably be somewhere in Southern California, cat in tow. It's going to be an interesting transition to say the least! Hopefully two weeks, three weeks, four weeks from now I'll have a much better outlook about everything but right now...yeah, change is scary.

One fun thing a day

Seeing as how I'm leaving Austin, the city I have called home for nearly 12 years, in a little less than 3 weeks - and my roommate is leaving as well - we decided that we owe it to ourselves to do at least one fun thing a day until we leave. It's funny how when your time in a place is limited, you start planning things you want to do "one last time" - from seeing friends you haven't seen in years to eating a veggie burger at P Terrys (I will miss those). So far I think we have been pretty successful!

But it got me thinking - why should we only do one fun thing a day for the next few weeks? Why not carry this trend indefinitely? "Fun" doesn't have to mean some grand event - it can be as small as watching a movie you have been wanting to see, calling a friend you haven't spoken to in awhile, even taking a walk to enjoy your neighborhood. I think what this "one fun thing a day" mantra does is remind me that every day is precious and should be enjoyed. So often I get caught up in what isn't going right, what school or work related things I need to get done...why I'm not where I thought I would be by now. Allowing myself (or forcing myself) to do something fun can help me refocus on things that really matter - and give me some "stress free" time as well. Maybe if everyone took a step back and took even 10 minutes a day for themselves, this world would be a happier place!

Are you happy?

I have this awesome flow chart on my desk that my best friend gave me a few years ago. In in nutshell it asks "Are you happy?". If yes, "keep doing what you're doing". If no, "change something". But what if it's the idea of change that might be making me unhappy?
Change has always scared me, and right now I have a whole lot of that coming up. I am at a point in my life where I could do almost anything. And I have a plan, at least for the next few months, that I am really excited about. And yet I can't help thinking PAST the summer instead of enjoying NOW. I am going to live in one of the most exciting cities in the country. I was offered an internship at a well-respected non-profit working on a project on the built environment and health equity - I should be able to make some good contacts for my dissertation research. I have funding for next year that doesn't require me to be in Austin. Things are good! And yet there is something keeping me from "feeling zen", to use my good friend Jenn's words. I feel internally panicked. I have fought societal norms for so long, yet deep down I want that stability, that comfort, that companionship. I am in a hurry to figure things out, which is ultimately creating unnecessary pressure on me and on my relationships. There has to be a way to step back, enjoy what is now, and let what happens....just happen. Because things always find a way to work themselves out, and worrying...well, it really doesn't change a damn thing.

Maybe I need one of those jars that I put a dollar into whenever I freak out. Actually, I kind of like that idea!

Moving on

I cancelled my MySpace account. An account I hadn’t looked at since 2008. I had procrastinated from logging back in because the period of my life that I was on MySpace was frankly a time that I wanted to just leave in the past. But there were pictures that I knew did not exist elsewhere that I wanted to save…and a blog that I wrote when I was in my late 20s and going through all kinds of "pain" and "torture" from various relationships. Stuff that really didn’t need to be on the interwebs anymore. I read that blog yesterday and remembered just how much I love writing…and just how happy I am to have made it safely into my 30s (33, Jesus age! My goal this year, per Michelle, is “don’t get crucified”).

I was somehow very insightful back then though. Phrases like “the therapeutic part of writing for me is not necessarily the words but the thought process. It's not what is said, but what I can read between the lines”, and “I think that loving - truly loving - and losing results in one of the most painful feelings that there can be, and it takes a lot of time and inner strength to get over that” really struck me. Reading about my decision to go back to grad school and my decision to finally quit my evil and unfulfilling Corporate America job…reading about my first days in grad school and meeting people who would eventually become my best friends. It made me that much more thankful to be where I am today.

I also blogged a lot about love, which just strikes me as funny right now. I was so obsessed with being in relationships, and being hurt, and being mad about it. I feel so far removed from that now. While not in a relationship, and having not been in one in years, I just can’t imagine writing about that part of my life (or lack thereof) for the whole world (rather, the whole MySpace world) to see. Ah, I have matured.

But I do want to take up writing again. Especially because right now in my life is a pretty pivotal time, having come back from four glorious months in San Francisco, getting ready to go back there for a to-be-determined amount of time, being able to (sort of) take a break from a PhD program that I have had a hard time accepting. "See Sara Plan" will be about many things. Planning my life and at the same time trying to accept NOT planning my life. But also, appropriately, my struggles with and opinions on urban planning, since it IS my grad school program after all! It will be an interesting journey over the next several months, to say the least. And yet, having reread that MySpace blog, I am still so much happier and in a much better place than I was three or four years ago. Thank you, MySpace blog, for helping me come to that realization…finally.