I have this awesome flow chart on my desk that my best friend gave me a few years ago. In in nutshell it asks "Are you happy?". If yes, "keep doing what you're doing". If no, "change something". But what if it's the idea of change that might be making me unhappy?
Change has always scared me, and right now I have a whole lot of that coming up. I am at a point in my life where I could do almost anything. And I have a plan, at least for the next few months, that I am really excited about. And yet I can't help thinking PAST the summer instead of enjoying NOW. I am going to live in one of the most exciting cities in the country. I was offered an internship at a well-respected non-profit working on a project on the built environment and health equity - I should be able to make some good contacts for my dissertation research. I have funding for next year that doesn't require me to be in Austin. Things are good! And yet there is something keeping me from "feeling zen", to use my good friend Jenn's words. I feel internally panicked. I have fought societal norms for so long, yet deep down I want that stability, that comfort, that companionship. I am in a hurry to figure things out, which is ultimately creating unnecessary pressure on me and on my relationships. There has to be a way to step back, enjoy what is now, and let what happens....just happen. Because things always find a way to work themselves out, and worrying...well, it really doesn't change a damn thing.
Maybe I need one of those jars that I put a dollar into whenever I freak out. Actually, I kind of like that idea!
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